wo yi jing zhi dao cong di yi tian qi wo men bu shi he dui fang
que yao qian qiang yao zai yi qi
mei tian chao jia chao jia
shang xin gshang xin
hen xin ku
zhen de hen hen xin ku

wei shen me ta bu ke yi wei wo xi sheng
wo tian zhen de yi wei
tong hua hui bian cheng mei man
itan zhen
tai tian zhen
bu shi mei ge nan ren dou hui wei zi ji de nv ren fu chu

bu shi
you complain about the system, money, family everything else
all u think about it urself
thats it
i already know tha u cant take this
neither can i
breka up it is
im so fed up
soooooooo fed up
full with anger
i wanna lash it out
i wanna kill myself and kill u
i wanna ask u to diee
theres no more love
i dont dream abt u
th onl thing left is bu she de
and afraid of lonely
ni zhen de bu shi he wo
zhen de yi dian dou bu shi he wo
zhen de shi hen hen hen bu kai xin
gen ni zai yi qi zhen de hen hen hen xin ku
yi wei yi xmas hui lai wo men hui hao hao jiang huani gen bu xiang li
ni xin li mian yi jing jue ding ni bu yao gen wo zai yi qi
nan guai ni mei you da an
yin wei wo zhi dao wo men bu hui zai yi qi

ji mo
lonely on a christmas
24th christmas eve nothing special
normal karaoke
when others are partying hard
how come no friends are asking me out for a hardcore party
25th night everybody else party hard
no one asks me out
its okay
merry my mas
lonely
depressing
blue
hate my life
hate myself

whats new

canot stand it no more
nge gap means nge gap
no matter how hard i try
no matter how much he does
i wont be pleased
i wont be happy

i'd rather be with myself
and have alone time
rather be alone and lonely
its okay
im not dealing with this anymore
not even comforatble with how he physically looks
how to bear with him
who cares if its christmas

so what if im moody
u never comfort
all u do is yell at me for being moody
have u ever listened from my perspective

im not ready
and i dont want to sacrifice for u at all
yes its true that ionce told u to bribg me back
but u missed that opportunity
u let me down

now im telling u that i dont want to leave my familyy
i know my family will love me for who i am
its okay to not have bf

i miss u 3470

he said
"break up. can't take it. you can't even deal with your problems"
how many times has he been saying this
especially after i have come back home

once in Langkawi, it sounded so real
a few times lately

i miss him
i want him to message me or call me

at the same time
i think its a good break
i need to clear my mind

it really does sound like he wants to break up

this is scary

i didnt mean to argue with you or hurt you
i just wanted to lash out
i feel useless
maybe im not in love
my tears are dropping
my lung is lonely
my limbs are cold
i feel so helpless
u told me that it was so nice so happy before you met me
if thats the case why try so hard to be with me
i think im not in love too
maybe i dont know how to love you
suicidalllll oh suicidal
scary

depressssssseded

i seriously think im depressed
i wake up feeling terrible
terrrribleeeeee
eyes aer still swollen. quadruple eyelids
so hard to be happy
so easy to get angry
im lost
my head and soul is not functioning
so weird

my throat hurts
eyes are swollen
i dont know how to differentiate lies and truth
when i checked i know that he is lying about something
after i talk to him he never admits his mistakes
he attacks me verbally back and keep being defensive, finding reasons for his behavior
this annoys me so much
why cant he explain it clearly that can convince me to believe
im so tired
he changes his password immediately
doesnt it indicate it more that he is trying to hide
thats so scary

why
why i cant get along with so many people
i yelled at hl. im not that close with lc. the rest are not very close either. i hate talking to wy stimes because she tells me the truth
bf complains. mum and bro do.
how do u want me to change
so hard
i dont like the world
i have so much anger and negativity
i really thought of kiling myself
why cant i just do it
why do parents and family always pop into my mind

sigh sigh sigh
not much friends
very pathetic

cant believe i used to love this person so much.fuck u

i am extremely irritated at W who annoyed hell outta me
why are you complaining so much when you are presented with so many chances or opportunities
i dont know why you are so lucky and keep getting love attention from people
and at the same time you fucking mistreated me and tease and talk sarcastically
i cannot believe why i used to like so much like this
so terrible
i really dont like it
i tried so hard for every single interview but i don't get all of them
while you only go through one stage of interview and you get jobs easily
why do people like you and that bitch get jobs so easily
just one freakng stage of interview and u get paid well
wtf is that
and now u freaking get offers from three companies?
and u are fan now and complaining
do u know that people like me who don't get good luck all the time or opportunities i have to try damn hard every single time just to get what i want???
ur post makes me feel like u 're very arrogant even though you aren't
i hate you for that
i hate the fact that you are bragging it even though not intentionally but indirectly hurt my self esteem
FUCK U

death

suffocated
wo yao si wo yao si
it has been a good week with him
most of the time were happy
we fight again
again
whats new
because of my selfishness
not knowing how to plan
causes so much troubles and pain towards him and me
im not the boss
not that i donwan him to come stay in here
i dont want to create a bad impression
understand me?
i didn tknow that wearing jeans is goign to cause so much problem to u
i didnt know that the dvd player is not going to work
i suggested u to go to coffee place
the library wont let u go online
i dont want to look unprofessional
is this how i sacrifice people to make myself feel good
which in the end i don't feel good at all?
i feel so bad now
so so bad
but i dont know what and how to do
when i dont know how
i get all mad
i get pissed off
is it me or what
i cant seem to handle situations well
he is so pissed off at me now
and we can't communicate
how am i supposed to marry someone like that
or even better
how would someone marry someone like me
i feel torn
wish i could jump off the building and fall

Loneliness and Belittlement

Don’t know everytime after hanging out with her I feel very sad and angry

Not because that she treats her better or whatsoever

Don’t like it when she mentioned she is always ai mei with people

It makes me think that she was not loyal to me

It makes me wonder why everyone in the world is like that

Bf, L, P etc.. a lot more

Make me hate this world more

She also reminds me that I don’t have much friends…

Its quite true

Every week

Not too many people look for me

They do their own things

No one does actually sms me

Except for L and S

They care about me so much and will ask me out

The rest

No one would really ask me out

Why does she need to brag about how many friends she has

In order to make me feel inferior

I understand that a lot of people look for her

I understand that she will never feel lonely

But meanwhile I feel so insignificant

I feel like I have no friends

Especially when it comes to birthday

Yeah nv and colleagues celebrated

But it wasn’t something bad and extraordinary happy

Other than that not many people called me during birthday

Not many really do remember me

You know how it feels?

I feel belittled

Just recalled that when I was in Bem it was not always happy too

Perhaps it was a place for me to escape, avoid, and run

And rarely thought about suicidal

I didn’t have much friends too

Maybe people found it hard to connect to me

Ben and yv always together

Em rarely bothered abt me

Jam, virg, lai

But rarely a whole group of friends

I did not really have a whole group of friends

Ever since high school

I couldn’t find groups of friends htat I truly feel connected to

None in college

A few in university

A few for colleagues

That’s about it

Unlike her

I know you have a lot of friends

But my tolerance level is very slow

Im fine with u having friends

However at the same time it makes me feel very small

And I am jealous

It makes me sad at myself

Who do I have no friends

I am happy that I am no longer with you

Now I am with a guy who is reaching in 3 / 4 hours

Super anxious

But I don’t know what to do with him

nothing new

On Friday Night at Phuture
my best friend screamed loudly and said STOP to me
when I was furiously arguing with the bouncers
I did not say much, nor did I tell anyone about this
My heart hurts
Was I at fault?

My bf just told me
"You need to fix your communication skill"
What did I say wrong?
Is it because I say harsh words and get angry often?

How do i control temper? How do i control anger?
When I am nice people tell me that I am pretending
People say I am only real when I am angry
But when I angry people get pissed off at me and it affects them
so how?
How do i draw a line?

I am getting worse in communicating with people.
Yelling, shouting, screaming, swearing...
Now i am hiding all my true nature
I dont know what to do
I have been lost
I think I have been the lost-est ever since I came back to Malaysia
Career, BF, friends, family, communication... anything... everything...
Everything seems to fall apart

Need to stop badmouthing
Need to stop caring too much
Need to stop swearing, yelling, screaming, and getting angry
Does it mean that I will lose myself?
I don't know
If not because of parents
I would have killed myself long long time ago
Suicidal ideation has never ceased...
this scares mee
I wake up feeling unhappy
I wake up wanting to kill myself
Perhaps I need to be secluded in an island
all by myself

I am going crazy very soon
I dont want to talk to P
because she is busy or perhaps her negativity may overflow me
I don't want to talk to L
not so much connection... her temper is getting worse... and not as close
I don't want to talk to W
she only criticizes me... even though in a good way.. cant take it
I don't want to talk to BF
Everytime I bring up an issue we ended up fighting but not solving anything
Maybe this relationship is not meant to be. Him coming to visit may solve the problem temporarily, but definitely not long-term
excitement plus fear
where can i hide
what do i know anymore
numbness perhaps this is what i need
I am a lost individual
by myself
i wanna knock them over
I wanna shoot myself to death

Such a depressing blog
I doubt anyone would ever find out about this blog
It's okay
No big deal

u dont seem to be the one for me

wei shen me mei ci dou yao wo zhu dong sms ni call ni kan kan ni zuo shen me
wo yao yi ge hui shi chang guan xin wo de nan peng you
ni na yang fang zhong wo rang wo jue de ni bu zhong shi wo

everytime it reconfirms that you're not the one
i want someone that can make me laugh
i want someone that i can smile when i think of him
when i think of you i feel insecured, worried... mostly negative feelings
is it because i have grown older and older?
when i first dated him i have great imagination i think about him i smiled... nothing much worried me...
so is the 2nd one.. i got very happy when she msg / call me
when he does so i am happy but at the same times i feel like i want to yell at him.. i feel angry at him...

Bao Zha

now i really feel like puking
head hurts
what kind of stress is it
boredom stress
perhaps this is what i call
unmotivated
random
redundant
stupid
no students. holidays/exam
getting on my nerve man
how am i gonna recruit people for the campaign
50 students man!im so worried!

stupid bf stupid bf
when colleague was talking about another guy
it reminds me of my boy
same kind of flirtatious behavior
though not as bad
same kind of "thinking-he-is-just-friendly-not-flirtatious"
headache man
so egoistic
talks around with girls
social butterfly
even though not as attention-seeking
used to sleep around but no longer
whoa
how do i know how am i sure that he doesnt
why am i ended up being with a player
no wonder i struggle so much
and he irritates me most of the time
wah
better stop
if not baozha
bye

i will die very soon

i think i will die very soon
bipolaring everyday
happy-sad-angry-happy-sad-angry
it has been a cycle that has not stopped for a long time
it scares me
heart beats so fast
i dont like my bf
should i dump him
why is it so hard to end this relationship with him
he aint even good

i hate this man

i dont know if i should continue to be with this man
why do we literally every single night
he doesnt provide me security
he doesnt make me feel safe, loved, comfortable
i feel so lost with him
i feel so angry with him
why am i with someone like this
i dont like the feelings of suspecting someone
i feel like he cheats on me
i dont like not trusting someone
this relationship is very hard to me
i hate him
i hate him
i hate him
i hate him
needa stop my jealousy and hatred and anger
i dont wanna start my morning like this
i think the only time i am happy is when i am not with him
when i am not with anyone
he makes me feel so miserable
he makes me complain about life more
he does not complete me
i dont know why i am with him
i am wasting my fucking money on his trip
why am i so fucking dumb
he doesnt fucking care about me
he doesnt even fucking care to explain things to me
nowadays he doesnt even care to call me on my cell anymoreeeeeeeeeee
rp93b[9 uti'5
im in pain i wanna kill him i hate him
i knew that i used to be very angry with him and i never cried
nowwwwwwwwwww wi am angry and always sad and always crying for him
and he does not understand that
i'd rather be single
saying i love you alone is not sufficient

hate this

confirmed its not period
its my bipolarness
or am i depressed
every two week
or at least every week i have something that troubles me
is it because a lot of things are happening
or its just because of the way i act
this scares me
helpless
overwhelmed
i have a bf who does not always support my decisions and understand my thoughts
in a good way he balances me out, but i think im lying to myself if i say this
its more like we are not compatible
no worries i will know more when he comes for trip
hopefully by that time i can sense if he's for me
hopefully that time i can decide if i should be with him no more
it has not been very good ever since i got home
everything got tougher
more unclear
is it because i got older
more obligations
more restrictions
and more importantly my personality problem
my mental problem
i fear telling people my problem
im getting scarier and scarier
the thoughts are getting darker and darker
always think about things that i do not like
extremely negative
always shout
suicidal thoughts are on-and-off
im so devilish
i even thought about running over that bitch
i cannot focus on people's strengths no more
why do i always make things so complicated
not being able to make decisions
next time i should perhaps not ask anything and decide myself
i already knew what im going to do
even though unclear and unsure
oh pls
i need a bf who is knows what to say / do
am i asking too much
am i being too demanding
cant accept the fact im not doing my job fantasically
so few students who actually come see me
maybe i aint that good
the talk again reminded me about bad i am
such a negative thinker i know
other than P
i dont think anyone else understands what im saying
people just think that im extremely pessimistic, unfriendly, fierce, and keep finding excuses
could people just stop proving me wrong
why am i never lucky
why do people always get better treatment and are so lucky
why do people get jobs easily
why there are always people who like these people
why am i not likable
maybe while im saying all these it already explains why i am not likable
pathetic
i could be attention seeking whore
but i could not stand the fact why people always get the good things
but i have to work hard for everything i get
i am not happy
if u ask me if im happy
im not
could be me mentally screwed up
this is why i wanna stop my job as soon as i can
could be an escape
people who escape all the time would never escape
i try my best to work for everything i get
i will harder next tuesday
can i please be happier for the rest of the year?
this year has not been a pleasant-feeling year for me. everything is unclear
i hate these feelings

chill

ok
miss pissy
calm down
it's okay that your ex is very close to your close friend.
it's okay that your ex likes her so much and interacts with her so well
it's ok.. it's ok..
i know u r jealous.. but u cannot control people's life
missy missy missyy
smile
put a smile on ur face
stop being manipulative
the world does not revolve around you
no matter how bad you have been treated in the past.. let it go.. dont hold grudges
dont be revengeful
go with the flow
chill missy
chill
love yourself more

darkness and greys

i know
it's myself who caused what just happened again
just calmed down and decided to ruin my whole night
asked the most silliest question when i already know that i wont fucking get an answer no more
he again could not provide a good answer
so fu yan so so so so so fu yan
because she has an attitude
i dont remember no more.. it's been a year
yeahhh exactlyyyy... probably why i get it against u because u were never able to explain clearly to me..................................................................................
i know im fucking sensitive, crazy, out of control
probably because i have met you that i got even more crazy, verbally harsh and scaring people away
or because of rdcc
or because of me being alone for quite a while
i lashed out my ex thereafter
saying very harsh things
and i almost lashed out at that bitch who may think that im so crazy
yes im very crazy
i probably need something cool-off pill to cool off
why
why do u always not fucking give me a good answer
why
why do u leave me pissed off
i opened up to u and told u what i feel
and u use it against me
everyone is doing the same thing to me
always
as usual
who is the next victim that i will be lashing out at
hopefully no one
if not i think i will kill myself for a sense of guilt
i have so much hatred in myself that i dont know what to do next
u know how it feels when it feels like ur heart is being biten off by ants
u probably think im unreasonable
but u do not know the hole that has been there in my heart
for a long time
a big hole
im so lonely
so helpless
so depressed
so hopeless
i need help
howw
i need to die
i've shown so much of my dark sides lately
i need to stop yelling
but i duno how to stop
i really dont know how to
i have zero tolerance now. zero patience now
i know im being manipulative
i just wanna know an answer
ive been feeling so insecure with u
so much doubt
all my crazy act
when is it going to stop
when
i really feel like dyinggggggg
can anyone hear me and give me attention
please
please
i know im negativeeee
stop teling me thisssssss
this aint going to help me get out of the darkness

Devil

Sucha devil
totally possessed by devil

wtf is going on??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what is dream? what is career?? somebody helps me pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!
i am losttttt!!!!!!!
i wanna scream
I am doing crazy thingssssssss
i am so negativeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
so depressedddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

;~((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

can anyone hear me?????????? I fear living.

fucking retarded first post

I think I am so crazy
finally created this blog
I am so crazy

I just came back from interview. hate the person sitting next to me. she seemed to know how to answer most of the questions, whereas me was totally clueless. Yeah. the incompetent feelings. stupid. dumb.

Talked to the so-called bf. yeah. never felt really good with him, and still with him. why? giving him another chance? im fucked up man.

felt like my heart is being torn apart.

if im good enough. students would drop by and say hello. people stop saying hello. people stop talking to me. whats going on? maybe i ain't good enough. that scares me. don't like to accept reality. heart is beating so fast. wanna cry. yeah 24. acting like a 12 year old girl, immobile and dysfunctional like a 92. retarded.

hate that fucking bitch. fucking fucking fucking hate her. why are people so retarded only focus on physical appearance (the way she smiles, and the way she looks) and the fucking big fat ass, and the social butterflyness. crap. full of crap. people generally like people who are flirtatious???? whats the meaning of life? y r people fucking playful and nonloyal?? fucked up fucked up fucked up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! y do people like her get priorities such as people going after her, people eyeing for her, and great managerial post?? wtf??????? how is life fairrrrrrrr?????? i wanna be like that too.. but i dont want to be as fucked up as she is......... so what if she is capable and demonstrates leadership qualities....... fucking retarded... omfg cant breathe........ wish i could bump into the front car and just die... brothers car does not work well for me today........... feel like something is wrongggg.. not used to it.................. i hate my life i hate my lifeeeeeeee

i'd rather be aloneeeeeeeee
to be away from all these nonsenses
dont want to be alive
i think i am going depressed or maybe am already
and will die very soon. will commit suicide very soon. only if family is not an issuee.........

why do i always feel incompetent... i am not great in anything
i dont see my strength
i dont see the point of my bf
flirting with fucking sassy big ass bitch??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? that totally screw almost my wholeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee nighttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why am i not likable no moreeeeee???
colleagues used to like me.. people start to distance away from me or i start to distance away from meeeeeeeeeeee
why is that i dont have a clique ever since fucking high school.......... people whom i now do not treasure.. one has grown to ms. popular big fat ass fucking flirtatious so-called hot so-called gorgeous fuckingggg narcissistic BITCHHHHHHHH.......... wanna slappppppp her one dayy...... so annoyingggggg.. thinking every bit about her makes me wanna take my knife out and keep stabbing her.. wish she dies fast................ seriouslyyyyyyyyy............. another one tries to be popular wannabe... annoying as fuckkkkkkkk. no wonder no people like her.......... fucking retard.. so called good friend who has never messaged me on msn.. fuck u.. nobody messages me on msn anyways.. or rather. i get pissed off all the timeeeeeeeeeeeeeee people would not dare to approach me.. me such a hater... self hater and other hater.. i tell u what i will die very fast

dont know whats wrong with me.. i think im going psychotic.. zou huo ru mo is the right description for me..... seee the fucking student just passed by my office and did not say hi....... yeah he is annoying. but i need some fucking attention toooooooooo......... and the other fucking student who used to be so lively and bug me everyday.. wehre the fuck is that fucking retard studenttttttt??????? am i not doing a good job? must be
look at wtf i am doing nowwwwwwwww...................... so incompetent
inefficienttttttttttttttt DUMBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB

dont ask me how to love life.. i probably dont know how to........ i am fucking crazyyyy
i wanna cry.. i wanna stab myself... so much hatred.. i probably want to kill other people and myselffffffff............................. thats y i cant wait for the end of the world..............................................

cannot think.. the sky is so dark.................. illusional........ everything seems so negative to me.. anything everythingggggggg... i dont know what is positiveeeeeeeeeeeeeee
have i been like this since i am born or its just lately that i have gotten worse??????????????

my fucking bf doesnt love me enough. doesnt reassure me. i m fucking sure he was physically attracted to that bitchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
enoughhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've got enoughhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
Enough of knowing that I am not likable... not smart.. not capable....... so negativeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
who made me like that !!!!!!! not entirely my faulttttttttttttttttttttttt
people trigger meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

fuckkkkkkkkkkk offfffffffffff