nothing new

On Friday Night at Phuture
my best friend screamed loudly and said STOP to me
when I was furiously arguing with the bouncers
I did not say much, nor did I tell anyone about this
My heart hurts
Was I at fault?

My bf just told me
"You need to fix your communication skill"
What did I say wrong?
Is it because I say harsh words and get angry often?

How do i control temper? How do i control anger?
When I am nice people tell me that I am pretending
People say I am only real when I am angry
But when I angry people get pissed off at me and it affects them
so how?
How do i draw a line?

I am getting worse in communicating with people.
Yelling, shouting, screaming, swearing...
Now i am hiding all my true nature
I dont know what to do
I have been lost
I think I have been the lost-est ever since I came back to Malaysia
Career, BF, friends, family, communication... anything... everything...
Everything seems to fall apart

Need to stop badmouthing
Need to stop caring too much
Need to stop swearing, yelling, screaming, and getting angry
Does it mean that I will lose myself?
I don't know
If not because of parents
I would have killed myself long long time ago
Suicidal ideation has never ceased...
this scares mee
I wake up feeling unhappy
I wake up wanting to kill myself
Perhaps I need to be secluded in an island
all by myself

I am going crazy very soon
I dont want to talk to P
because she is busy or perhaps her negativity may overflow me
I don't want to talk to L
not so much connection... her temper is getting worse... and not as close
I don't want to talk to W
she only criticizes me... even though in a good way.. cant take it
I don't want to talk to BF
Everytime I bring up an issue we ended up fighting but not solving anything
Maybe this relationship is not meant to be. Him coming to visit may solve the problem temporarily, but definitely not long-term
excitement plus fear
where can i hide
what do i know anymore
numbness perhaps this is what i need
I am a lost individual
by myself
i wanna knock them over
I wanna shoot myself to death

Such a depressing blog
I doubt anyone would ever find out about this blog
It's okay
No big deal

u dont seem to be the one for me

wei shen me mei ci dou yao wo zhu dong sms ni call ni kan kan ni zuo shen me
wo yao yi ge hui shi chang guan xin wo de nan peng you
ni na yang fang zhong wo rang wo jue de ni bu zhong shi wo

everytime it reconfirms that you're not the one
i want someone that can make me laugh
i want someone that i can smile when i think of him
when i think of you i feel insecured, worried... mostly negative feelings
is it because i have grown older and older?
when i first dated him i have great imagination i think about him i smiled... nothing much worried me...
so is the 2nd one.. i got very happy when she msg / call me
when he does so i am happy but at the same times i feel like i want to yell at him.. i feel angry at him...

Bao Zha

now i really feel like puking
head hurts
what kind of stress is it
boredom stress
perhaps this is what i call
unmotivated
random
redundant
stupid
no students. holidays/exam
getting on my nerve man
how am i gonna recruit people for the campaign
50 students man!im so worried!

stupid bf stupid bf
when colleague was talking about another guy
it reminds me of my boy
same kind of flirtatious behavior
though not as bad
same kind of "thinking-he-is-just-friendly-not-flirtatious"
headache man
so egoistic
talks around with girls
social butterfly
even though not as attention-seeking
used to sleep around but no longer
whoa
how do i know how am i sure that he doesnt
why am i ended up being with a player
no wonder i struggle so much
and he irritates me most of the time
wah
better stop
if not baozha
bye

i will die very soon

i think i will die very soon
bipolaring everyday
happy-sad-angry-happy-sad-angry
it has been a cycle that has not stopped for a long time
it scares me
heart beats so fast
i dont like my bf
should i dump him
why is it so hard to end this relationship with him
he aint even good

i hate this man

i dont know if i should continue to be with this man
why do we literally every single night
he doesnt provide me security
he doesnt make me feel safe, loved, comfortable
i feel so lost with him
i feel so angry with him
why am i with someone like this
i dont like the feelings of suspecting someone
i feel like he cheats on me
i dont like not trusting someone
this relationship is very hard to me
i hate him
i hate him
i hate him
i hate him
needa stop my jealousy and hatred and anger
i dont wanna start my morning like this
i think the only time i am happy is when i am not with him
when i am not with anyone
he makes me feel so miserable
he makes me complain about life more
he does not complete me
i dont know why i am with him
i am wasting my fucking money on his trip
why am i so fucking dumb
he doesnt fucking care about me
he doesnt even fucking care to explain things to me
nowadays he doesnt even care to call me on my cell anymoreeeeeeeeeee
rp93b[9 uti'5
im in pain i wanna kill him i hate him
i knew that i used to be very angry with him and i never cried
nowwwwwwwwwww wi am angry and always sad and always crying for him
and he does not understand that
i'd rather be single
saying i love you alone is not sufficient

hate this

confirmed its not period
its my bipolarness
or am i depressed
every two week
or at least every week i have something that troubles me
is it because a lot of things are happening
or its just because of the way i act
this scares me
helpless
overwhelmed
i have a bf who does not always support my decisions and understand my thoughts
in a good way he balances me out, but i think im lying to myself if i say this
its more like we are not compatible
no worries i will know more when he comes for trip
hopefully by that time i can sense if he's for me
hopefully that time i can decide if i should be with him no more
it has not been very good ever since i got home
everything got tougher
more unclear
is it because i got older
more obligations
more restrictions
and more importantly my personality problem
my mental problem
i fear telling people my problem
im getting scarier and scarier
the thoughts are getting darker and darker
always think about things that i do not like
extremely negative
always shout
suicidal thoughts are on-and-off
im so devilish
i even thought about running over that bitch
i cannot focus on people's strengths no more
why do i always make things so complicated
not being able to make decisions
next time i should perhaps not ask anything and decide myself
i already knew what im going to do
even though unclear and unsure
oh pls
i need a bf who is knows what to say / do
am i asking too much
am i being too demanding
cant accept the fact im not doing my job fantasically
so few students who actually come see me
maybe i aint that good
the talk again reminded me about bad i am
such a negative thinker i know
other than P
i dont think anyone else understands what im saying
people just think that im extremely pessimistic, unfriendly, fierce, and keep finding excuses
could people just stop proving me wrong
why am i never lucky
why do people always get better treatment and are so lucky
why do people get jobs easily
why there are always people who like these people
why am i not likable
maybe while im saying all these it already explains why i am not likable
pathetic
i could be attention seeking whore
but i could not stand the fact why people always get the good things
but i have to work hard for everything i get
i am not happy
if u ask me if im happy
im not
could be me mentally screwed up
this is why i wanna stop my job as soon as i can
could be an escape
people who escape all the time would never escape
i try my best to work for everything i get
i will harder next tuesday
can i please be happier for the rest of the year?
this year has not been a pleasant-feeling year for me. everything is unclear
i hate these feelings