wo jiu yao beng kui
cannot concentrate
can hardly smile
i miss him so so so so much
now that he doesnt call or msg me anymore
i should be happy
but i am not at all
is he okay
is he safe
i wish i can be with him again
but he is crazy
he lies a lot
i dont know which is real or wrong
why must he be like that
if he changes this part of himself
then we can be together again

you keep begging me to stay with you
why so late
i kept begging you to tell the truth
i gave you so many opportunities
now it hurts so bad for me to break off with you
i wish i could be with you again and work it out
but i know there will still be questions arising
and doubts and insecurities
its going to be another negative cycle

things i always like to have
marriage, ring, commitment, small lil gifts such as lovely cookies, photo album are things that i have always been appreciating
but because of doubts on what you say and how you act
that have ruined everything
until now even though you may have disclosed to me already
they still do not sound very clear and transparent and honest to me
thats what i am most scared of

dont die for me
be a good man
continue to be someone who does good for the world
dont be silly
i will be very hurt
be strong
i love you
i still do love you
but in a different way
please take care of yourself
i mmiss you

calm :D

i think the first time every i am posting a post in this blog
without ranting or madness
love CNY
i am feeling so calm now
love being with the family
food, movies, talking, gambling, doing nothing, and just being together
it makes me loved and supported
that anything bad happens to me will just be fine

i will continue to pursue my dreams calmly

i miss him a lot
but it's ok
at least i am very calm
i know i can never make you honest
make you tell me everything i want to hear
i dont want to force you
and please dont force me too
my heart is tearing
but calmly
no more scarring

i am so jealous
fuck u bitch
why do u want to brag on FB about you getting proposed?
i know you are very likable
but do u have to tell everyone about it?
why all the fucking students love you? just because you talk softly and act cute?
i hate u bitch
i hate people who get so much attention
why am i not as good

X X X

you think i don't want to be with you?
i dont know
i am scared of lies
despite me asking u numerous times
the stories are incomplete
and never will be complete
why do you want to beg me and call me and soften my heart again
when i am so determined to end the relationship already

i hate my life
i really do hate my life
its so painful

fucked up life

why do u lie
why cant u admit
why r u making feel the pain
why cant the world be a better place
i dont wnat to be a counsellor anymore
its too negative and depressing for someone that is so depressed
can i pls just end my life like this
have u guys experienced this soury pain

i dont like her and her
i dont like seeing people getting better and better, getting good jobs, being so liKable

i hate u
i can feel my heart beat stop
i am feeling pain
u r a great guy
i dont want to hurt u
but u keep lying
i cannot take it
ur stories are incomplete
that makes me really insecure
and we keep fighting
sigh
whats new

pain

u know u r in pain
when u wake up feeling pain
what do i have now?
yes family and me and some friends

i have lost a bf
a husband-to-be, a family-to-be

i hate it when she posts on her status bragging about how good her life is and that she got proposed
i dont like it
i dont like it when students keep writing on her FB telling her how great she is and how much they love/miss her
i dont like it
do i really have to behave like them
smiling and cute and happy all the time
i cant fake myself
i dont know how to
but this people is so likable
so so so likable
fuck this people
i am so jealous
i dont ilke it when people are better than me and produce a threat to me
tell me about perceived threat

im left with nothing
i wont have a job very soon
soon enough that it is going to extremely miserable
left with nth

pain it is