nothing new

On Friday Night at Phuture
my best friend screamed loudly and said STOP to me
when I was furiously arguing with the bouncers
I did not say much, nor did I tell anyone about this
My heart hurts
Was I at fault?

My bf just told me
"You need to fix your communication skill"
What did I say wrong?
Is it because I say harsh words and get angry often?

How do i control temper? How do i control anger?
When I am nice people tell me that I am pretending
People say I am only real when I am angry
But when I angry people get pissed off at me and it affects them
so how?
How do i draw a line?

I am getting worse in communicating with people.
Yelling, shouting, screaming, swearing...
Now i am hiding all my true nature
I dont know what to do
I have been lost
I think I have been the lost-est ever since I came back to Malaysia
Career, BF, friends, family, communication... anything... everything...
Everything seems to fall apart

Need to stop badmouthing
Need to stop caring too much
Need to stop swearing, yelling, screaming, and getting angry
Does it mean that I will lose myself?
I don't know
If not because of parents
I would have killed myself long long time ago
Suicidal ideation has never ceased...
this scares mee
I wake up feeling unhappy
I wake up wanting to kill myself
Perhaps I need to be secluded in an island
all by myself

I am going crazy very soon
I dont want to talk to P
because she is busy or perhaps her negativity may overflow me
I don't want to talk to L
not so much connection... her temper is getting worse... and not as close
I don't want to talk to W
she only criticizes me... even though in a good way.. cant take it
I don't want to talk to BF
Everytime I bring up an issue we ended up fighting but not solving anything
Maybe this relationship is not meant to be. Him coming to visit may solve the problem temporarily, but definitely not long-term
excitement plus fear
where can i hide
what do i know anymore
numbness perhaps this is what i need
I am a lost individual
by myself
i wanna knock them over
I wanna shoot myself to death

Such a depressing blog
I doubt anyone would ever find out about this blog
It's okay
No big deal