hate this

confirmed its not period
its my bipolarness
or am i depressed
every two week
or at least every week i have something that troubles me
is it because a lot of things are happening
or its just because of the way i act
this scares me
helpless
overwhelmed
i have a bf who does not always support my decisions and understand my thoughts
in a good way he balances me out, but i think im lying to myself if i say this
its more like we are not compatible
no worries i will know more when he comes for trip
hopefully by that time i can sense if he's for me
hopefully that time i can decide if i should be with him no more
it has not been very good ever since i got home
everything got tougher
more unclear
is it because i got older
more obligations
more restrictions
and more importantly my personality problem
my mental problem
i fear telling people my problem
im getting scarier and scarier
the thoughts are getting darker and darker
always think about things that i do not like
extremely negative
always shout
suicidal thoughts are on-and-off
im so devilish
i even thought about running over that bitch
i cannot focus on people's strengths no more
why do i always make things so complicated
not being able to make decisions
next time i should perhaps not ask anything and decide myself
i already knew what im going to do
even though unclear and unsure
oh pls
i need a bf who is knows what to say / do
am i asking too much
am i being too demanding
cant accept the fact im not doing my job fantasically
so few students who actually come see me
maybe i aint that good
the talk again reminded me about bad i am
such a negative thinker i know
other than P
i dont think anyone else understands what im saying
people just think that im extremely pessimistic, unfriendly, fierce, and keep finding excuses
could people just stop proving me wrong
why am i never lucky
why do people always get better treatment and are so lucky
why do people get jobs easily
why there are always people who like these people
why am i not likable
maybe while im saying all these it already explains why i am not likable
pathetic
i could be attention seeking whore
but i could not stand the fact why people always get the good things
but i have to work hard for everything i get
i am not happy
if u ask me if im happy
im not
could be me mentally screwed up
this is why i wanna stop my job as soon as i can
could be an escape
people who escape all the time would never escape
i try my best to work for everything i get
i will harder next tuesday
can i please be happier for the rest of the year?
this year has not been a pleasant-feeling year for me. everything is unclear
i hate these feelings