darkness and greys

i know
it's myself who caused what just happened again
just calmed down and decided to ruin my whole night
asked the most silliest question when i already know that i wont fucking get an answer no more
he again could not provide a good answer
so fu yan so so so so so fu yan
because she has an attitude
i dont remember no more.. it's been a year
yeahhh exactlyyyy... probably why i get it against u because u were never able to explain clearly to me..................................................................................
i know im fucking sensitive, crazy, out of control
probably because i have met you that i got even more crazy, verbally harsh and scaring people away
or because of rdcc
or because of me being alone for quite a while
i lashed out my ex thereafter
saying very harsh things
and i almost lashed out at that bitch who may think that im so crazy
yes im very crazy
i probably need something cool-off pill to cool off
why
why do u always not fucking give me a good answer
why
why do u leave me pissed off
i opened up to u and told u what i feel
and u use it against me
everyone is doing the same thing to me
always
as usual
who is the next victim that i will be lashing out at
hopefully no one
if not i think i will kill myself for a sense of guilt
i have so much hatred in myself that i dont know what to do next
u know how it feels when it feels like ur heart is being biten off by ants
u probably think im unreasonable
but u do not know the hole that has been there in my heart
for a long time
a big hole
im so lonely
so helpless
so depressed
so hopeless
i need help
howw
i need to die
i've shown so much of my dark sides lately
i need to stop yelling
but i duno how to stop
i really dont know how to
i have zero tolerance now. zero patience now
i know im being manipulative
i just wanna know an answer
ive been feeling so insecure with u
so much doubt
all my crazy act
when is it going to stop
when
i really feel like dyinggggggg
can anyone hear me and give me attention
please
please
i know im negativeeee
stop teling me thisssssss
this aint going to help me get out of the darkness